Alternative Facts for the Chronically Disillusioned

Syrian Woman With Two Legs Blown Off “Really Takes the P***”

by | Feb 10, 2017 | Articles | 0 comments

A woman more fortunate than the woman this article is about.

UKIP member Perry Peanut demanded to know why UK money had been used to perform leg amputations on the same Syrian woman twice, after a well-known tabloid newspaper started a rumour that foreign aid invoices were being faked in order to turn more good white-person-money into bad brown-person-money.

The lady in question, known only as ‘Ranim’, was first booked in for an amputation in March 2016, but despite the UK paying for her surgery, she generated another bill in 2017 for the same surgery.

Aid worker and peace advocate, Nina Noble, extended her stay in Turkey to investigate. She determined that foreign aid partially financed by the UK had been spent twice, but only because Ranim had lost both her legs on separate occasions. Both amputations were consequences of bombs dropped on her village near the Syria-Turkey border.

When asked to comment on the discovery, Mr Peanut said, “This is just the kind of thing I’m talking about. A woman loses two legs on two separate occasions when she could have had them both taken off at once.”

After a social media backlash, he revised his opinion, telling papers: “I feel for her, I really do. The first amputation was tragic. However, she should have seen that as a wake-up call and not put herself in danger a second time.”

“Are you suggesting she left Syria?” asked one reporter.

“Yes. If she was in danger of getting her legs blown off, she should have fled from her country.”

Mr Peanut is well-known for anti-asylum-seeker attitudes, including campaigning for such initiatives as ‘Fit In to Win’, in which he proposes asylum is granted to the refugees who look the most like the Queen where wearing tweed, and ‘Stand Out to Sprout’ in which asylum would be granted to those children who look least like the queen, “…because the darker ones will be easiest to keep tabs on.”

When asked to comment on the discrepancies in his views, he went a shade of purple and jumped into a canal.

The aforementioned tabloid paper has refused to withdraw its allegations as they’re they’ll find a bona fide example of foreign aid fraud any day now.

Photo by Tolga Sezgin / Shutterstock.com

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